Samuel is an actor. He isn’t in films, but you may have seen him on CSI. Samuel is a grieving father, with three wonderful children. He’d accepted his limitations, resigning himself to a typecast: he was the father of the high-school football star that took the gateway drug, the father of the girl that hid her eating disorder.
“Honey, I just don’t think we watch enough TV together,” a girlfriend has never said to their boyfriend.
“Darling, be a good boy and come and watch TV with me, playing football outside isn’t going to get you anywhere,” a mother has never said to her son.
It makes you wonder what decade Samsung has been living in.
“What’s that, ma? You want me to turn my headphones down because you can hear the overbleed from my show?”
“Yes, son, I can’t follow Paxman’s uncharacteristic reticence towards the mentally disabled on Newsnight – I really wish you wouldn’t sit so close to me when you’re watching Red Shoe Diaries.”
“But ma! I have to be able to hear David Duchovny’s erudite voiceover commentary with full aural clarity or it’s not sexy.”
That’s the kind of conversation you could expect to hear if this technology was around in the 90s before Paxman grew fed up with absolutely everyone and screw the consequences, and back when Channel 5’s late night softcore porn vibe was hailed a shining beacon in the late night televisual landscape. Nowadays people just refer to it as ‘that X-Files spin-off that was better than The Lone Gunmen’, while thinking ‘Paxman can pretty much say what he likes because we’re just glad he’s not beating children over the head or leading the charge against Chinese independence because we’re not sure if we could stop him if he did.’
Read the full article on the 405.
This is an excerpt of a satirical tech column I sometimes write for The 405 – click the link above to read the whole thing.
My review of Marnie Stern last time she came through Bristol – read on, read on…
“New Yorker Marnie Stern is one of those acts that so many have heard of, that so many would like to catch live. Stern is one of those guitarists that does something different. Loud, brash, finger-tapping all over the China shop like a bull in an even more expensive ceramics shop – a fan before the show even proclaimed her “the best guitarist he’d ever seen”.
Read the full review on Bearded Magazine.
This is a short story I wrote that gives a semi-fictionalised, but mostly real account of a stag weekend I found myself on in Belgium, one blisteringly cold March not so long ago… expect appalling language (come on, we’re all adults here), a little bit of drinking. But mostly sight-seeing and wine tasting. Yes, sight-seeing and wine tasting.